Manhattan

Forward: To be honest, I wasn't sure that I wanted to post this. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, I've moved on. But still, I felt like there were some things unsaid that I wanted to say to mark the occasion. So, in the end, I decided to let it fly.

One year ago, I made quite possibly the most difficult, heart-breaking, gut-wrenching decision in my nearly-28 years on this planet.

I ended a relationship with the man I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life. The absolute love of my life. My best friend. My puppy-daddy. My Bubba 3. My handsome. ​My soulmate.

It was the weirdest thing. I woke up on Mother's Day, hopped into the shower, and was struck with this feeling like… "This is going to happen today."

I'd been mulling over ending it for a while - we'd been talking about getting married for years at that point, and he was no closer now to making a decision then when we had started. I oscillated between being perfectly fine with waiting until I was 90 to get married to him because I just loved every piece of him (that was Suni) to being so frustrated with him for not making a damned decision (that was Whit).

But Whit finally took over and said, "Yep, this is done." (Without actually informing Suni, but that's another story.)

The actual event was rather quiet, in his car in my driveway after we'd taken a two hour walk around a park. I knew it was happening even as we walked around; everytime he took me to a new park, I held my breath to hope that maybe I was wrong, maybe he was really planning to propose that day. But it was pretty clear that, like so many weekends before, he was interested in nothing more than a walk around the park.

I basically told him that I thought it was time we cut our losses and moved on. We talked about it for a good hour. Just the two of us in his car. He didn't protest or tell me to stay, as he had done before. We were both sadly resigned to the fact that our time together had come to a close.

Then we kissed goodbye and I walked into my house, got physically sick, and cried for the next four months. 

I kept most of my emotions bottled up, only letting them out in passive aggressive statements ("Oh, congratulations, you're getting married.") or when I was completely alone. I thought this was a "normal" thing - as Jewel says, "Hearts are broken every day." It wasn't until almost six months later that I realized it wasn't just another break-up. Six and a half years - from 20 to almost 27 - is a long time to be with someone. There's a lot of growing we did together: Jobs, houses, dogs, trips, just life in general. It's hard for me to tell a story - ANY story - without him being in it. And even though I had dated at least five or six people since we'd broke up, some part of me still pined for him.

To be honest, that's why I decided to go to therapy - I needed help to sort through these emotions and figure out why I was still so attached to someone while at the same time being so completely done with him. And that, my friends, is how I came to rediscover the two girls living inside my head, which set me on this journey to becoming an author and rediscovering myself. My ex was, I think, one of the only people who really knew this "writer" - Suni, even though I never let him see anything I wrote or told him about what it was. Suni loved him deeply, and she held onto him firmly until at least March of this year. Only then, validated by some self-love and blog posts, did she start to see how mismatched we really were for each other. She began to see that she was holding onto him only because she was lonely from being kept away from the world, and not because he was the best for us.

The truth of the matter is, while I will always love him, I'm very glad that we did not get married. Besides the fact that I never would have gone through this journey of self-discovery (or actually gotten my act together and published a book), in reality, we weren't right for each other. There were certain things that I needed from him that he never gave to me, and certain things he needed from me that I was unable to provide. I was so in love with him I thought we could overcome those things, but it wouldn't have been fair to either of us.

So while I'm in a much better place than I was last May, this first anniversary has made me a little melancholy. I was taking out all of my spring and summer clothes from storage and found myself a little nostalgic for that life that I had with him. Not a "wishing-I-had-him-back" kind of sadness, but more a longing for the time when I could pretend we were right for each other and just be ignorant of reality.

To close, I'm going to leave you with a song that I first heard driving home to Pensacola last June. The trip itself was my heartbreak escape - running home to the people that I loved most during my time of need. About 12 hours into the drive, on Interstate 65 near Montgomery, AL, this song came on my iPhone's shuffle.

I lost it.

I think you'll see why.

Here's Manhattan, by Sara Bareilles:

You can have Manhattan
I know it's for the best
I'll gather up the avenues
And leave them on your doorstep
I'll tiptoe away
So you won’t have to say
You heard me leave

You can have Manhattan
I know it's what you want
The bustle and the buildings
The weather in the fall
I'll bow out of place
To save you some space
For somebody new

You can have Manhattan
'Cause I can't have you

You can have Manhattan
The one we used to share
The one where we were laughing
And drunk on just being there
Hang onto the reverie
Could you do that for me?
'Cause I'm just too sad to

You can have Manhattan
'Cause I can't have you

And so it goes
One foot after the other
Until black and white begin to color in
And I know
That holding us in place
Is simply fear
Of what's already changed

(Here's where I lost it. I mean, really Sara. Way to hit me right in the feels.)

You can have Manhattan
I'll settle for the beach
With sunsets facing westward
And sand beneath my feet
I'll wish this away
Dismissing the days
When I was one half of two

You can have Manhattan
'Cause I can't have you.

The One Thing

"Every time I see your smile
Every time I hear your laugh
Baby you bring in the sunshine over me
You are the little dream
Ever since I was a child
My fairytale comes true when I look at your face
May not be here forever
But it'll be a long road together
I already know
We're gonna be fine, fine, fine
We're gonna be just fine, fine, fine

You are the one thing that I got right
It's a fickle world, yeah, it's a fickle world
You turn the darkness into sunlight
I'm a lucky girl, yeah, I'm a lucky girl
And if mess up everything someday
I won't hide my head in shame
Cause you're the one thing that I got right​."

- Shakira, "The One Thing"

You thought I was done with these introspective posts, didn't you? Oh well, hopefully life will be all sunshine and rainbows soon enough.

This whole week has been nuts. Not physically - it was actually quite dormant and work and school, and Lord knows I didn't get out to run once this week (which, to be honest, probably contributed to my excess mental craziness). But in my head, it's been a firestorm of activity. 

So much so that I think Suni got lost in the mix. I could hear her in there, screaming at the top of her lungs, trying to take control of the careening car that was my brain this week, and trying to calm Whit the fuck down. But it wasn't happening. I know that normally Whit is the one who tries to reign in Suni, but, happily, Suni steps in when Whit loses her shit.

The storm this week was due in large part to some people that I love very dearly putting a grain of doubt into my well-laid plans. Apparently, "I'm-quitting-my-job-in-a-year" wasn't clear enough (that or they probably don't listen to me), and also included the plan to not finish grad school. After all, if I'm planning a major career change, why should I continue working towards a degree in that field? 

What followed was pretty much a delayed reaction to what "quit" means - "How are you going to support yourself?​" 

And that, my friends, was enough to shake the foundations of my newly found bravery, courage, and zen. Up until that point, I had no doubts that I was going to figure it out as I went - that I am incredibly marketable, I have an amazing network of people I know and can work with. I was just going to "make it work." 

But with that one drop of doubt, my anxiety, which had been so quiet for so long, came back in full force. Oh God, what if I am making a huge mistake. What if I don't sell any books? (Side note: I have 9 confirmed book sales so far!!) What if I find myself in five years completely destitute and broke after this terrible life choice.

What if I move and I don't want to move? What if? What if? What if? What if? 

My mind can be my best friend, and sometimes it can be my complete downfall. I could hear Suni getting exasperated with Whit - "Will you just shut up for five minutes?" But Whit was having none of it. No, she was perfectly content to run around in circles in the brain, undoing all of the work that we had expended at therapy. Which is ironic, considering Whit was nervous about how much money we were spending on that. 

Tonight, though, Suni finally got through to her, I think. We were driving home from a fun time line dancing (Thanks Brittny!) and feeling rather mopey about all of the upcoming unknowns that Whit was worried about. So Suni put on the above song and I belted at the top of my lungs - on repeat - until Whit finally shut up long enough to take a breath and listen. 

We are going to be "Fine, fine fine." Because I am an incredibly talented and resourceful woman - gregarious, vivacious, articulate, and hilarious. I built this life I live from scratch- all by myself- and I can do it again in a place that makes me happy with the people I love. I know I'm a god-damned good writer, so I need to quit being so bashful about it. 

And whatever happens, Suni & Whit can handle it together. 

You've been put on notice, world. If you have any doubts about my life, please keep them to yourself from now on.

​

Clarity

"I've got that sunshine
It's like the world is mine
I can't deny I'm feeling good
It's not from smiling
I've bottled lightening
I can't deny I'm feeling good."
- Christina Grimmie, "Feelin' Good"

You've all been privy to my forays into my life changes that I'm pondering. Publishing a book is one thing, but I'm taking it a step further, deciding on some profoundly major life choices. Such as selling my house and moving home to Pensacola to write.

What do you think?


Why, do you ask, have I decided to think about making this uber life change?

Couple reasons, actually, starting with the realization that the other voice in my head (Suni) is right about a lot of things. Namely that we aren't very happy here, we aren't very happy doing things for others that toss them out, and we want to go back to our roots and be creative. I tend to have a 2 year shelf life on anything - projects, apartments, marathon running, etc. before I get bored. But I've been writing since I was eleven (I bounce around between books, which is how I don't get bored), so I know that's my true calling.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the shall-continue-to-remain-unidentified-publicly company that I work for. If I was going to continue doing my current line of work, I would absolutely want to continue working for them forever. But I don't, so it will be a parting of the ways once I fulfill my obligations to them. It may not be forever - I may miss it and want to continue working for them down there. But for now, I am planning for a departure.

Second reason is that, try as I might, I just don't fit in here in the National Capital Region. I'm silly, I'm a homebody. I don't go clubbing, I don't like loud bars. I like to go out where I can talk to people, I like day festivals and cheap baseball games and spending all day at the beach, and sitting around a bonfire at night with a cold cider in my hand. I like randomness with my best friend in the universe, such as when we went to go see Frozen on a random Tuesday when I was home. I want to wear a tutu during a race and not be the only weirdo doing it.

Third reason is all Whit - It just makes financial sense to move home. If I sell my house, I can make a sick profit on it, thanks in part to the upgrades Daddy and I did. But even more awesome is that houses in the ol' Pensacola are ridiculously inexpensive - especially one that needs some R&R. So basically I can buy a house twice as big for half as much - and cut my mortgage by about 75%. Which means my salary requirements also go down by 75%.

It's kind of ironic to me, thinking about it now. When I was seventeen, all I wanted was to get the ever-loving-hell out of there. I hated every single person in that town, especially the asswipes who sold me out my senior year. I wanted to go to the big city, I wanted to make a name for myself, do awesome things. And now, ten years later, all I want to do is go home, to the people who love me and understand me, where I can make a quiet living writing and helping Daddy remodel houses.

Even more ironic is the absolute CLARITY that I feel about this decision. As you'll note early in the process, Suni and Whit did NOT get along. It's striking to me, after a few months of directed therapy, to go back and read those blog posts about the war going on in my head. I wonder sometimes how I actually lived my life that way.

The girls, however, are in complete agreement on this life-altering decision. No qualms, no nerves, no nothing. Everybody is just okay with it.

I'm not a super religious person, but I do believe that the universe/God/Great Creator in Leveman's Vortex/Flying Spaghetti Monster sends signals, and I've always been fairly receptive to those signs. I'm hoping/praying/spaghetting that this clarity that I feel is a signal from the aforementioned deity that this is the right thing to do - and that it's a horizon I see, not a waterfall that I'm going to go tumbling over. That maybe, for once, things will blossom the way that I foresee them blossoming - my book will sell, my house will sell, my life will quickly gel from the NCR to the Gulf Coast. (Poet and I didn't know it).

But I know, if it doesn't go well, there's a whole mess of folks down in Pensacola that have my back. 

Fear of Unknown Consequences

"Let it go, let it go
When I rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!
And here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm range AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN
The cold never bothered me anyway."
- Idina Menzel (Adele Dazeem), "Let it Go"

(I know it's overused. It speaks to me. Get over it. Just be glad you can't hear me hitting that high E.)

As you've all been privvy to, I've been on a journey of self-discovery as of late. Very recently, I've begun to realize that I've kind of been living my life all wrong for a really long time. I've been doing what is expected, instead of what I want, mostly out of the fear that if I don't, I'm going to disappoint people. Or worse, I'm going to get a bunch of cryptic criticism about it. There's nothing worse than telling someone you love and respect that you're considering a major life change and you get, "Well..." (implied: You're making a mistake and you are about to ruin your life forever and will have to live in a box and everyone will be embarrassed by you and will laugh at you and not love you and things you can't even imagine will happen)

I've been doing a lot of work with the therapist to break free of this crippling anxiety that I've silently wrestled with for many years. This feeling like if I don't give everything I am supposed to give, the world is going to end. If I don't follow the rules, if I don't do what is expected, something absolutely horrible is going to happen. If I don't do exactly what society/my parents/my bosses tell me to do, the anxious knot in my chest is going to strangle me.

(Seriously, that's what I've been living with. Was it obvious to anyone? I wonder if my ex could tell - other than the occasional freak out when we tried to sit in the wrong seat at Shea Stadium, I think I kept it pretty well together.)

But talking it out has allowed me to step back and see that this fear has not only made me unhappy but it's held me back from being the person that I really am. I took a steadier job because I was afraid that if I continued with television and creative activities, I would never have the life I was "supposed" to have. Husband, dog, picket fence, 2.5 kids. I thought that if I did what I was supposed to do, I would be married at 25, kids at 27. I would be a vice president by 35, and just be a kick-ass, shoulder-pad wearing soccer mom.

Well here I am, almost 28, no husband to speak of (even though I invested 6.5 years of myself into a relationship, but that's a separate issue), two dogs which act like my kids (and the occasional foster, so that's .5), resulting in the purchase of a 6' pine fence that I had to buy myself (see ex comment above). I have a job where 99% of my work is tossed out the moment it's completed, and while the leadership thing is....coming...I guess...I don't know anymore if it's what I want.

So, basically I gave up everything to support this vision of the "right" kind of life, and I don't even have it!
I'm slowly starting to come around to this idea that the "right" kind of life isn't what I actually want. I can't work 9-5 in a cubicle day in and day out. Doing stuff for other people who will probably end up throwing it away as soon as it's done isn't fulfilling. And most importantly, giving of myself to others to just end up with none left for myself isn't a way to live a life.

I also have begun to question even basic desires that I've had my entire life - do I even want to get married, to have kids?

To be honest, I don't know right now.

But the sheer fact that I'm asking these questions means I'm choosing to look fear in the face and call its bluff. What would happen if I never got married? What would happen if I didn't have kids? What happens if I quit my job and did something else - like write?

Would the world end? Probably not. Would I be happy? If it was truly what I wanted, then yes.

After all, what is it that I'm so damned afraid of?

Here is a list:

1. I won't live up to the expectations of others (including myself)
2. I will struggle with money and happiness
3. People will talk about me/make fun of me/be embarrassed by me
4. Whatever it is that I want to do will come back to "bite" me in some horrible unimaginable way

All of those things really boil down to #4 - the fear that something so terrifying and horrible I can't even put a name to it will happen if I do anything outside of the paradigm of perfection that I envision my life is.
It's this fear that has forced me to seek comfort and shelter in steady things. Work-wise, I know I will receive X amount every month and I will do Y with it. I have an excel spreadsheet that has all my finances for the next 3 years, when I plan to pay my debts off, etc. With running, I know that Mondays are rest days, Tuesdays/Thursdays are run days, Wednesdays are speedwork, Fridays are yoga, Saturdays are long runs and pilates, Sundays are rest days again. I work as a project manager because I can plan out all of my activities and tasks for months - even years out.

The funny thing is, even with all of this planning, there has never been a steady anything. I get X every month, but shit always comes up (my cousin needs $500 for color guard, the car needs something, I need to buy some stuff at target, etc). My workouts are anything but consistent - especially with school. And I can put together the best project plan in the history of the universe and the clients will always find a way to screw it up.

The question I have to ask myself now is do I want to continue to cling to the illusion of consistency and perfection? If the unknown occurs ANYWAYS, and I handle it as it comes up, why expend all this energy into making plans that will never happen?

As you all may have noticed, I've been exercising my spontaneous and selfish side. Where things no longer serve me and my happiness, I have temporarily put them on a shelf (whether that's going for a run, or even talking with those that I love). And when I decide that I'm ready to pull them back down, then I will. And I'm not apologizing for taking time to serve myself before others or society's expectations.

Because even though I am taking healthy steps, every day I struggle with the same crippling fear that something is going to go terribly wrong. Even this blog - I worry that exposing my deepest issues and fears to the public will result in some dire consequences at work (it has happened before, although that was high school and included a vindictive and possibly sociopathic drama teacher).

So, basically, I'm not done working on myself yet. But I'm a lot farther than I was even a month ago. Now I know what I am afraid of, and now that it has a name, I can work to quell it.

I can let it go

(Just not that song.)

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Be My Forever

We're on top of the world

On top of the world

So darlin' don't let go

Can I call you mine 

So can I calll you mine now darling

For my whole lifetime?

My heart finally trusts my mind

And somehow I know it's right

And oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

We got time

And ye-e-e-e-ah

So darling just say you'll be by my side

And Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

We got love

And ye-e-e-e-ah

Darling just swear you'll stay by my side

We're on top of the world

On top of the world

So darlin' don't let go

I got something to say

You're perfect in every way

I'm gonna shout it out

Wanna tell you now

'Cause I know somehow it's right

You're my bright blue sky

You're the sun in my eyes

Oh, you're my life

You're my reason why

Be my forever

Be my forever

Be my for-e-ver

Be my forever

Be my forever

Be my for-e-ver

Will you love me forever

I'll love you forever

Be my forever

- Christina Perri feat. Ed Sheeran, "By My Forever"

<3 :)

"The Moment I Decide Not to Abandon Me"

"I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
I can feel so unloved for someone so kind
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind."
- So Unsexy, Alanis Morissette

Tonight I actually did a bit of writing in the climax of my book. Now, of course, I've had the climax in the ol' mind palace for a while, but I actually sat down and wanted to make sure the details of it were in line with the overall message of the book. Amusingly enough, the more I write Razia, the more I see myself in her struggles, albeit at a much less dramatic scale.

I was doing a table - because I am a consultant, after all - about each of the scenes, what she felt when they happened, and what the symbolism was (hello 11th grade). And I found myself writing a scene where she has to come face to face with the fact that everybody - including herself - has abandoned her. And I wrote down the phrase "She can't abandon herself" and was struck about how much that resonated with me emotionally.

There's a line in the Alanis Morrisette song, "So Unsexy" that goes like this:

"Oh these little rejections
How they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me."

And I actually included that theme in this scene, because it's so true. It's amazing how much I've kept Suni (known as the crazy diva in my head) kept apart from everyone, even myself. And it's also become quite apparent about how much keeping her quiet has prevented me from growing as a person. Just by letting her "talk," so much hurt and pain that I've kept pent up inside has suddenly gone away. I realized I had actually abandoned Suni in my pursuit to be Me, because I thought I could put Suni away, that I was enough without her. Oh boy, was I wrong.

I think for Razia, the same is true. She's been through a lot, my darling little Lyssa. And she thinks she can just push all of that aside, or put it on a shelf, and create this entirely new person. But the truth is, stuff that is buried always surfaces. And sometimes that's not the worst thing in the world.

Sometimes there is strength in what we bury. For Lyssa, she survived terrible things, and ended up on top anyways. Had she never gone through what she went through, she wouldn't be Razia. Had she never grown up with a bunch of siblings with deep jealous hatred of her, she never would have been able to stand up for herself with the pirates who thought she couldn't do what she did because she's a woman. Had she never inherited her Father's obsessive nature, his singular focus on just one mystery (for him, Leveman's Vortex, for her, bounty hunting), she never would have made it. And so on and so forth.

For me, Suni represents the crazy, impulsive side of me that needs to come out more often. The side of me that says it's not such a weird thing to open up and talk about how not-together my life is. The side of me that will up and leave at the drop of a hat because Pookie tells me to. The side of me that acts out the scenes in my book in my car by myself.

I've noticed that a lot of my books deal with this same theme - having this side of ourselves that we're afraid to share. And I've noticed that all of my characters tend to gravitate towards people who have known them for so long that they know all of their secrets. Or, when new characters enter their lives, it takes a whole lot of breaking down barriers to get to the caramel center. And even then, it's difficult to stay there. Which tells me a lot about myself, and my difficulty with letting new people in.

Write what you know, hm? 

A Few Days Down...

"It's a take out weekend
It's a fake out smile and pretend
If nobody sees you cry
You can say it was raining outside

And all that you want
Is a few days down
All that you need
Is a little time to drown
It's to be expected
With all the weight you carry 'round
All that you want is a few days down."
- Mandy Moore, "Few Days Down"

I am not an impulsive person by nature. I don't go out and spend tons of money, I don't buy expensive purchases. In fact, I struggle with buying things I actually need (read: expensive face washes that keep my acne at bay). But today (yesterday, 'cause I'm not posting this until tomorrow), I made an INCREDIBLE impluse buy.

I bought a ticket to go home. TOMORROW (today!)

OMG!

Going home for me is a big deal because a) it's Florida and there is snow on the ground where I am right now, and b) it recharges my soul in ways nothing else can. I've had a pretty shitty week, and I can't shake this funk that has settled over my head. I was bitching to my Pookie (best friend) and she commented lightly that I should come home and run the McGuire's 5k prediction run with her. And my immediate reaction was, "let me see."

Well tickets were over $600. Not to mention my normal dog sitter charged over $500 for a weekend. So my initial judgment was, "no way, you can't spend that kind of money." Then I bravely contacted a former gentlemen caller who happened to own his own dog walking business and asked him how much to watch the kiddos for a weekend. His price was significantly lower.

So I took a deep breath, and, shaking, I did it.

Fun story - my parents don't know that I'm coming. HEE! (They do by the time this post goes live, as I've got it scheduled mwahaha).

This has literally turned my entire LIFE around, and I'm so excited I can't even stand it. I finished all of my homework early, am knocking out task after task at work with a SMILE on my face, and I even want to get home and finish working on Razia tonight so I can have something to read on the plane. I expect this weekend to be full of day drinking, laughter, and enjoyment. And even though I'm only home for less than 72 hours, I think this is exactly what I need to bring me back to life.

And all thanks to my Pookie! Love you girl!

"And that's how I feel right now so just let me be..."

"It seems every time I find
A good man, he's got a good little wife
I'm not jealous, but I won't lie
I don't want to hear about your wonderful life
And babies! Everywhere I look
Trophy wives with their little black books
At this rate, I'm going to end up alone
Probably all my fault, all my fault
Oh, another dead end, again."

"How I Feel" - Kelly Clarkson

I want to state up front that this post is directed at no one in particular or intended to demean anyone's happiness.

'Cause I love you all :D

This post has been stewing for a while. In case you haven't noticed, this is part of my (self-directed) therapy, to take a feeling and write about it. 

The feeling that I've been having for a while is one which I can only describe as:

Failure?

Which is odd, for those of you who know me personally. Let's examine further. 

On paper, I am a very accomplished (young? can I still call myself that?) woman. I have a very awesome job were I do awesome things which I won't talk about here, but just know they're awesome. I have run not one, but TWO marathons, and signed up for a third. I own and remodeled my house (with my daddy, of course). And, in my spare time, I volunteer and foster homeless animals. Oh yeah, and I'm publishing a book in a few months.

Okay, so where's the failure, you're asking?

I feel like a failure because I'm in my late twenties and I am not married - hell, I'm not even seeing anyone right now. 

"Oh girl," I can hear you say, "but you've done all these great things!" 

"How can you put your self worth on whether or not you have a man in your life?" 

"Why are you rushing to get down the aisle?"

"Feminism! Betty Freidan! Anna Howard Shaw!"

Yeah, and I am a feminist, and I know in my head that I don't actually need anyone in order to be great; see paragraph above. But still, everytime I end it with someone (or vice versa), I can't help but feel like I've failed in some way. I'm ashamed of myself, like it's always my fault that everything goes wrong. 

To be perfectly honest, I think this all stems from that point in middle school where I was utterly and completely alone, regularly ridiculed by my peers for a myriad of reasons (acne, my general personality, etc). So when I'm actually in a relationship, I find myself subconsciously saying to those mean ghosts, "Hey buttheads, look at me now! Not so ugly, huh?! This guy thinks I'm great!" And when it goes south, I can hear them laughing at me.

Which leads me to Ms. Clarkson's oh-so-poignant song (although now she's married with a baby on the way). I was actually dumped recently by a guy who I was actually really excited about. It kind of came out of left field, and threw me for a loop, hence my escape to Pensacola last weekend. To add insult to injury, I see all of my beautiful friends having beautiful weddings and beautiful babies, I 

sit and feel like that left out kid in middle school when it was time to chose a lab partner - everyone has one but me.

Another disclaimer: I'm not going to rush into a relationship because I'm lonely, and I'm not desperate by any means, so don't worry about that. In fact, I am taking a self-imposed hiatus from dating exactly for this purpose.

In the sane half of my brain, I know that these things happen and it's best to just get back out there and keep looking. But still, I can't shake this terrible fear that I'm going to end up all alone, because I am too weird, because I am too strong-willed, because I am too "Me." Again, all of those scars from middle school are rearing their ugly head. Instead of wondering why I don't "wash my face," I can hear them telling me "stop being so you." To finish, with their intent: 

"Wash your face and you'll be included."

"Stop being so you and you'll find a mate."

The problem with both of those statements is that, just like having acne (which I STILL DO because genetics), is that I can't turn it off. I never have been able to, and I never will be able to. My personalities are as ingrained in me as the damn DNA code that causes my face to break out. (Yes, that is personalities plural.)

The other problem with that statement is that it implies that I have to change and be someone that I am not in order to find happiness. Which I think is a load of shit, to be perfectly honest. I mean, why does everyone else get to be themselves, but I have to change? And why do I have to put up with other people's quirks, but they don't have to put up with mine? 

Screw that. 

I realized as I was writing this blog that the first person who needs to accept me and my quirks is actually me. I have started to pay attention to the way I talk to myself, and let me tell you what - I am downright hateful. Even today, I ran a race and struggled. As I was walking along, coughing my face off, I could hear myself yelling at me, saying that I could do better than this, I could be better than this.

So I responded, "Then do better. You are in the middle of the race. If you want to run, run the damned thing." 

And the voice inside responded, very quietly and very sadly, "I can't. This is the best that I can do right now." 

For the first time, I realized that I have now become my own bully. How everytime I codify something with an excuse ("Oh, I could have run that better, but I'm sick" or "Oh, I could have written that better, but I ran out of time."), I am actually demeaning myself and my accomplishments. I have this vision in my head of the person I think I am, and I rarely live up to my own expectations. And these are not just goals - these are expectations. And when I don't live up to them, I am just plain mean to myself. 

So, starting today I have decided to be nice. If you want to know how the race went today. I did fantastic. I ran 4 miles in 47 minutes.  Up the nasty hill in Rosslyn.

I did great. 

I am great. 

And I'm going to keep telling myself that until I firmly believe that.

Inspiration Songs

Music has always been a great source of inspiration to me. I may absolutely HATE a song, until one sentence or phrase reminds me of something in one of my books (looking at you Britney) and then it's a permanent addition to my themed playlists. Sometimes, songs even spur me to think of a new event or scene in a book.

I thought I'd put together a post with all the songs that remind me of Razia, and specifically of Double Life, in case you were looking for some new great hits to add to your iPhone (or Android, no judgements here).

1. Human - Christina Perri 

"I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head
Knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human"

This is a brand new song, but it's on repeat for me lately. Christina has such an amazingly soulful voice, and her lyrics are so deep. This song, specifically, can apply in so many different areas of the book - Razia puts on this face like she's a machine, but deep down she's not so strong. Guh, love this song.

2. Attagirl - Bettie Serveert

"Don't get stuck somewhere in the middle
You've paid all your dues
And you're not on second fiddle
Don't say luck is something like a riddle
You paid for your place in this world
Attagirl."

I don't remember when this song first appeared in my iTunes library, but I absolutely love it for Razia.    In the first couple of drafts of this book, Raz was actually already an established bounty hunter, and she never had to work for it. The more I wrote, the more I realized that I was making it  too easy on her, so now she's working hard to "pay her dues" to become a bounty hunter.

The irony is, of course, that as a DSE, she's basically had everything handed to her. Don't get why that's ironic? You will.

3. Heart Like Mine - Miranda Lambert

"'Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine
And I bet we'd get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bed He'd understand a heart like mine"

So this isn't an overtly religious book, but there are a lot of religious undertones.  Leveman's Vortex - which Lyssa's father was obsessively researching - is the center of the dominant religion in the universe. People believe that souls are given a "true purpose" from the Great Creator and sent out into the universe to live as people. Then, when the body dies, the soul returns to the Vortex to be judged (similar to the ancient Egyptian weighing of the hearts). If it's done what it's supposed to, it will be light enough to ascend to heaven, otherwise, it basically is damned to burn in a river of fire.

Lyssa's relationship with religion is an interesting and complex one that is explored a lot in this book. And this song kind of talks to where I hope she gets one day - knowing she's not perfect, but feeling confident that she's still a good person inside. Which is the takeaway from this song for me.

4. Daughters - John Mayer

"Oh you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left to clean up to mess he made."

Yup. That.

5. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz

"And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?"

Although this song is a little romantic in nature, I can only think of Vel, Lyssa's intern. Why? You'll find out.

------


And two that are just inspiring to me the writer lately:

Come Back Down - Greg Laswell (featuring my musical spirit animal Sara Bareilles)

"All of your wallowing is unbecoming
You've gotta take it on your own from here
It's getting pathetic and I'm almost done here"

I listen to this song when I get too stuck in my own head. It's also a great running song.

Shine - Anna Nalick

"Isn't it time you got over how fragile you are?
We're all waiting on your supernova
'Cause that's who you are
And you've only begun to shine."

:)

Now, to go write so I can shine.