Each week, I'm going to suck it up and write about the things that scare me shitless. And hopefully, through writing, I can come to terms and move past them.
If you missed last week's, it's all about the Fear of Money. This week, it's....
Fear #2: I am afraid of being left out
Every single one of my high school friends is either preggo, or just had a baby. Seriously, Gulf Breeze High Class of 2033 is going to look a lot like 2004. I am so thrilled for my best friend and everyone who is about to pop, and for the most part, I'm actually pretty satisfied to not be pregnant. Book tours and babies do not mix.But somewhere, locked in the box of things I’m afraid to think, is the sadness that I'm not pregnant with the rest of them. I don't think it's about actually being pregnant or the biological clock. Last year, I put to bed my need to be in a relationship and procreate as the basis for my self-worth.
But this sadness is from the fear of being left out.
It's kind of like when I was eight, and this girl in my class gave out invitations to her birthday party to literally everyone in the Girl Scout troop--except me. This was a vivid memory; she's walking down the line of girls and handing out cards and skips right over me. I went home and cried to my mom (who turned into a real Mama Bear), and of course, an invite was offered after-the-fact, but damage done.
The fear of being left out also comes from being so far away from the people I care about. I often see a lot of pictures and events that I wish I was attending. Bayfest, Jazzfest, Gallery Night, even simple birthday parties. Everybody seems to be having a grand time, and I'm sitting up in my empty house in Virginia and I'm all alone.
And yet, I don't mind the act of being alone. I relish in it, and in my sweatpants (#campaignfornopants). Being alone by choice is one of the best things in the world. Being alone because there's no one left is a different story all together.
Bringing it back to the preggo thing, I only started to feel jealous of my best friend when she and another girlfriend of mine started comparing notes about being pregnant and all of their aches and pains. And I felt like they had their own little club and I wasn't invited. Again.
And that fear of being left out of the Mommy club leads to fear that I'll never be in the Mommy Club, because I'm not even seeing anyone - let alone have anyone I'd consider a husband. And I've missed out on all the "good guys" because I couldn't get my head out of my ass with my Ex and left him when I was still "at a marry-able age." And my life is ruined forever and I'm doomed to be an unhappy, bitter spinster.
^^^^^ You see how quickly fear spins out of control. Even though I said I no longer consider procreation or coupling a part of my self-worth, the fear takes over and suddenly I'm back to square one.
I also want to point out that this isn't supposed to be a commentary on others' life choices; rather, this is a commentary on how my brain jumps to the most negative outcome when in fear-mode. Being single and childless does not equate to unhappy and bitter but in my fear-addled brain, it does.
As Aerona says, and as I've said repeatedly, Fear is Not Rational. It doesn't live in the part of my brain that listens to reason, because if it did, I wouldn't be afraid of it.
To get past my fear of being left out, I am putting myself closer to the people whom I don't want to be separated from. That's the reason for the move home - I realize who I prioritize and who I want to keep in my life. However, I also know that Lyssa's penchant for shutting people out did not come out of the blue - she and I share that trait. I am working on being less afraid that everyone will desert me, giving them the benefit of the doubt that they'll include me instead of leave me in the cold.
~~~
Lauren Dailey is in break-up hell.
Stuck between moving on and letting go, she puts on a brave face while crying herself to sleep at night. But when a mysterious voice promises escape from her sadness, she is suddenly transported to a new world. And in this place, the slightest touch pulls her out of her tortured emotions into the mind of another - an empath.The villagers - sweet Aerona and her mischievous twins, wise Siors, and hunky Cefin - welcome her and the blessings her empath powers bring. But this world is not without its dangers. The Anghenfil, a fire-breathing monster, has haunted the village for decades, and has a taste for empaths. And that mysterious voice promising escape from sadness? It's sounding more like a whisper tinged with smoke and embers.
Will Lauren be able to keep the monster in the mountain and in her head at bay? Or will she succumb to the darkness like the empath before her?
Preorder today on the below stores. Available May 15th.
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