S. Usher Evans: Fear of (no) Money

As we build up to the release of Empath, my brand new contemporary fantasy novel, I wanted to use the #MondayBlog posts to talk about some terrifying things. Not monsters or dragons, but the actual fears that I live with every day.

Each week, I'm going to suck it up and write about the things that scare me shitless. And hopefully, through writing, I can come to terms and move past them.

This week, I get a little help from the ladies of my Spirit Herd. So without further ado:

Fear #1: I am afraid that I will run out of money.

This is a fear that has driven me for years to do things like take a boring day job instead of doing creative things. Now that I'm trying to do creative things instead of the boring day job, I'm coming face to face with this fear, and having to work through it instead of running away from it.

Y'all will recall that I attended six conventions in eight weeks at the start of 2015. But what you might not have known was I was very nervous about the whole thing. I was already in the hole money-wise on the business, and here I was, digging myself in deeper with the hope that I could boost myself out.

Down we go, Mindy.

The Anghenfil was in my head, the fire-breathing bastard, saying, "What happens if you don't sell any books? What happens if you end up farther in debt?" The fear ruminated in the back of my head, roaring whenever I put down my credit card to pay for a planet ticket or purchase more books. I would get anxious when sales would slow, and start chewing off my nails when the minutes ticked by and cash was not exchanged. And when I'd have to lug back a shit-ton of books, I'd look over my expenses and second-guess everything I ever purchased. I'd hope that maybe the next one, the next event would be the silver bullet to get me out of the hole, and then, disappointment.

So after six events, how'd I do?

I lost a lot of money.

Oh tell it Leslie.

The very thing I was afraid of has happened.

Maybe it is.

In the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "Oh God, am I going to die? Am I a complete and total failure? Is my dream gone?"

Why are all of my spirit animals off the air?

Spoiler alert: I'm still alive, I'm not a failure, and my dream is perfectly in tact.

You know, I think the first thing that I need to do is to swallow a cold dose of reality. I cannot predict how an event will go, as hard as I try. For example, I thought I'd have 30 of the 80 books leftover in Indy and I sold out at 1pm on Sunday, and I thought I could get through 34 books in Chicago, and ended up with 16 left. I can't predict the weather, such as in New York, when snow reduced the folks who came out to the event, and also forced me to make travel changes.

The only thing I can do is to prepare the best I know how, with the experience I have, put a smile on my purdy face, and continue hoping for the best.

I love Kimmy Schmidt. If you don't, you're wrong.

The second thing I need to realize (or remember) is that I'm not going to be spending as much money on events anymore. This six week mini-tour was mostly a flying adventure (hello flying anxiety), which added another $500 to the cost of the event. I am still gainfully employed by a company that expected me to be in the office Monday mornings, and so driving to and from an event was a non-starter. Therefore, I was at the whim of the airline industry - between checked bags (realized that this was a bad idea after the first event) then shipping books to events (upwards of $100 for shipping and handling) and just the price of the tickets themselves, yeesh. And the only event I made money on, I drove to.

And the last thing to remember is that money is not everything. Okay, that's a lie - it is everything, but money made right now is not the only money ever made. Attending a convention is like planting a seed, or a bunch of seeds. The more books I sell, the more cards I give out, the more seeds I'm tossing. The more cities I toss seeds in, the more chance that those seeds will pollinate (that is, fans who read the book pass it on to their friends).

Soon, everyone will have Razia in their home.

*evil laugh*

Case in point: While I did not make any money at the events, the online print sales of my second book went gangbusters in the month of March. Like, gangbusters for online print sales. As well, I've got a steady stream of purchases for the ebook as well. And none of this includes Empath. Nor does it account for the folks who received a business card for SGR-P and who are considering hiring me for their edit jobs. Nor does it account for the folks who are still reading Double Life who picked it up more recently, who will turn around and pick up Alliances.

T-swifty is right

So yeah, I do have a pretty hefty amount on the credit card. And no, I don't have a magic wand that will magically make the debt disappear (although yeah, I could dip into my personal funds BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF A BUSINESS PEOPLE). What I do have is a very long game that is only in the first fifteen minutes. While I didn't want to lose money, the fact of the matter is, I could at this point because I'm not dependent on the writing to pay my bills. And because at this point I'm planting the seeds, in six months, a year, two years, five years, I'll be able to reap what I've sown.

Yet again, the clear lesson here is that you cannot let fear control your life. You can't let fear stop you from taking risks because you might fail. And if you do fail, don't ignore the small beginnings of something new that came out of it. Because things didn't work out right now, doesn't mean they won't in the future.

Another show you need to be watching.

~~~

Lauren Dailey is in break-up hell.

Stuck between moving on and letting go, she puts on a brave face while crying herself to sleep at night. But when a mysterious voice promises escape from her sadness, she is suddenly transported to a new world. And in this place, the slightest touch pulls her out of her tortured emotions into the mind of another - an empath.

The villagers - sweet Aerona and her mischievous twins, wise Siors, and hunky Cefin - welcome her and the blessings her empath powers bring. But this world is not without its dangers. The Anghenfil, a fire-breathing monster, has haunted the village for decades, and has a taste for empaths. And that mysterious voice promising escape from sadness? It's sounding more like a whisper tinged with smoke and embers.

Will Lauren be able to keep the monster in the mountain and in her head at bay? Or will she succumb to the darkness like the empath before her?