What you've all been waiting for - Sneak Peek #1 of my book!

Because you have all suffered through my recent bout of introspective posts - and because I'm feeling generous and brave today - and because I got some 20+ new likes on my Facebook page (not quite to 100 yet, but hopefully soon!) 

Here's the prologue of my book*:  

*Don't hold me to this exact text just quite yet - I'm always tweaking stuff. 

"The Moment I Decide Not to Abandon Me"

"I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
I can feel so unloved for someone so kind
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind."
- So Unsexy, Alanis Morissette

Tonight I actually did a bit of writing in the climax of my book. Now, of course, I've had the climax in the ol' mind palace for a while, but I actually sat down and wanted to make sure the details of it were in line with the overall message of the book. Amusingly enough, the more I write Razia, the more I see myself in her struggles, albeit at a much less dramatic scale.

I was doing a table - because I am a consultant, after all - about each of the scenes, what she felt when they happened, and what the symbolism was (hello 11th grade). And I found myself writing a scene where she has to come face to face with the fact that everybody - including herself - has abandoned her. And I wrote down the phrase "She can't abandon herself" and was struck about how much that resonated with me emotionally.

There's a line in the Alanis Morrisette song, "So Unsexy" that goes like this:

"Oh these little rejections
How they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me."

And I actually included that theme in this scene, because it's so true. It's amazing how much I've kept Suni (known as the crazy diva in my head) kept apart from everyone, even myself. And it's also become quite apparent about how much keeping her quiet has prevented me from growing as a person. Just by letting her "talk," so much hurt and pain that I've kept pent up inside has suddenly gone away. I realized I had actually abandoned Suni in my pursuit to be Me, because I thought I could put Suni away, that I was enough without her. Oh boy, was I wrong.

I think for Razia, the same is true. She's been through a lot, my darling little Lyssa. And she thinks she can just push all of that aside, or put it on a shelf, and create this entirely new person. But the truth is, stuff that is buried always surfaces. And sometimes that's not the worst thing in the world.

Sometimes there is strength in what we bury. For Lyssa, she survived terrible things, and ended up on top anyways. Had she never gone through what she went through, she wouldn't be Razia. Had she never grown up with a bunch of siblings with deep jealous hatred of her, she never would have been able to stand up for herself with the pirates who thought she couldn't do what she did because she's a woman. Had she never inherited her Father's obsessive nature, his singular focus on just one mystery (for him, Leveman's Vortex, for her, bounty hunting), she never would have made it. And so on and so forth.

For me, Suni represents the crazy, impulsive side of me that needs to come out more often. The side of me that says it's not such a weird thing to open up and talk about how not-together my life is. The side of me that will up and leave at the drop of a hat because Pookie tells me to. The side of me that acts out the scenes in my book in my car by myself.

I've noticed that a lot of my books deal with this same theme - having this side of ourselves that we're afraid to share. And I've noticed that all of my characters tend to gravitate towards people who have known them for so long that they know all of their secrets. Or, when new characters enter their lives, it takes a whole lot of breaking down barriers to get to the caramel center. And even then, it's difficult to stay there. Which tells me a lot about myself, and my difficulty with letting new people in.

Write what you know, hm? 

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof....

This weekend was amazing.

Totally worth it and needed.

I loved every single moment.

I made a lot of funny faces. Drank some Irish wakes and Nuun.

And I feel recharged and ready to re-engage with the universe. 

So long Florida. Love you and all of your people.

A Few Days Down...

"It's a take out weekend
It's a fake out smile and pretend
If nobody sees you cry
You can say it was raining outside

And all that you want
Is a few days down
All that you need
Is a little time to drown
It's to be expected
With all the weight you carry 'round
All that you want is a few days down."
- Mandy Moore, "Few Days Down"

I am not an impulsive person by nature. I don't go out and spend tons of money, I don't buy expensive purchases. In fact, I struggle with buying things I actually need (read: expensive face washes that keep my acne at bay). But today (yesterday, 'cause I'm not posting this until tomorrow), I made an INCREDIBLE impluse buy.

I bought a ticket to go home. TOMORROW (today!)

OMG!

Going home for me is a big deal because a) it's Florida and there is snow on the ground where I am right now, and b) it recharges my soul in ways nothing else can. I've had a pretty shitty week, and I can't shake this funk that has settled over my head. I was bitching to my Pookie (best friend) and she commented lightly that I should come home and run the McGuire's 5k prediction run with her. And my immediate reaction was, "let me see."

Well tickets were over $600. Not to mention my normal dog sitter charged over $500 for a weekend. So my initial judgment was, "no way, you can't spend that kind of money." Then I bravely contacted a former gentlemen caller who happened to own his own dog walking business and asked him how much to watch the kiddos for a weekend. His price was significantly lower.

So I took a deep breath, and, shaking, I did it.

Fun story - my parents don't know that I'm coming. HEE! (They do by the time this post goes live, as I've got it scheduled mwahaha).

This has literally turned my entire LIFE around, and I'm so excited I can't even stand it. I finished all of my homework early, am knocking out task after task at work with a SMILE on my face, and I even want to get home and finish working on Razia tonight so I can have something to read on the plane. I expect this weekend to be full of day drinking, laughter, and enjoyment. And even though I'm only home for less than 72 hours, I think this is exactly what I need to bring me back to life.

And all thanks to my Pookie! Love you girl!

My writing style...

My writing style goes a little like this:

Me: Okay, tonight, let's finish fleshing out Chapter 15...
Suni: HAH NOPE, LET'S WRITE SOME OF BOOK 5 BECAUSE THAT HAS SOME PARALLELS TO THIS CHAPTER!
Me: No, really, let's focus on the book we gotta publish in like 4 months. Besides, Book 5 may not get written-
Suni: AND THEN [XYZ] HAPPENS IN BOOK 5, WRITE IT DOWN BEFORE WE FORGET IT. OH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH GOOD CRAP WE WRITE HERE!!
(One hour and 1,300 words later)
Suni: Oh yeah, we were writing Chapter 14, weren't we. Let's see, where were we at. Oh, this is good stuff.
Me: ...................

This is why I have 5 books in varying stages of completion for Razia, 3 books for another series, and 4 books for the third series. Not to mention all the stuff that still floats around in my head. I'm actually proud of myself that Razia has gotten this close to being complete.

If Suni would just not be such a pain in the ass.

"And that's how I feel right now so just let me be..."

"It seems every time I find
A good man, he's got a good little wife
I'm not jealous, but I won't lie
I don't want to hear about your wonderful life
And babies! Everywhere I look
Trophy wives with their little black books
At this rate, I'm going to end up alone
Probably all my fault, all my fault
Oh, another dead end, again."

"How I Feel" - Kelly Clarkson

I want to state up front that this post is directed at no one in particular or intended to demean anyone's happiness.

'Cause I love you all :D

This post has been stewing for a while. In case you haven't noticed, this is part of my (self-directed) therapy, to take a feeling and write about it. 

The feeling that I've been having for a while is one which I can only describe as:

Failure?

Which is odd, for those of you who know me personally. Let's examine further. 

On paper, I am a very accomplished (young? can I still call myself that?) woman. I have a very awesome job were I do awesome things which I won't talk about here, but just know they're awesome. I have run not one, but TWO marathons, and signed up for a third. I own and remodeled my house (with my daddy, of course). And, in my spare time, I volunteer and foster homeless animals. Oh yeah, and I'm publishing a book in a few months.

Okay, so where's the failure, you're asking?

I feel like a failure because I'm in my late twenties and I am not married - hell, I'm not even seeing anyone right now. 

"Oh girl," I can hear you say, "but you've done all these great things!" 

"How can you put your self worth on whether or not you have a man in your life?" 

"Why are you rushing to get down the aisle?"

"Feminism! Betty Freidan! Anna Howard Shaw!"

Yeah, and I am a feminist, and I know in my head that I don't actually need anyone in order to be great; see paragraph above. But still, everytime I end it with someone (or vice versa), I can't help but feel like I've failed in some way. I'm ashamed of myself, like it's always my fault that everything goes wrong. 

To be perfectly honest, I think this all stems from that point in middle school where I was utterly and completely alone, regularly ridiculed by my peers for a myriad of reasons (acne, my general personality, etc). So when I'm actually in a relationship, I find myself subconsciously saying to those mean ghosts, "Hey buttheads, look at me now! Not so ugly, huh?! This guy thinks I'm great!" And when it goes south, I can hear them laughing at me.

Which leads me to Ms. Clarkson's oh-so-poignant song (although now she's married with a baby on the way). I was actually dumped recently by a guy who I was actually really excited about. It kind of came out of left field, and threw me for a loop, hence my escape to Pensacola last weekend. To add insult to injury, I see all of my beautiful friends having beautiful weddings and beautiful babies, I 

sit and feel like that left out kid in middle school when it was time to chose a lab partner - everyone has one but me.

Another disclaimer: I'm not going to rush into a relationship because I'm lonely, and I'm not desperate by any means, so don't worry about that. In fact, I am taking a self-imposed hiatus from dating exactly for this purpose.

In the sane half of my brain, I know that these things happen and it's best to just get back out there and keep looking. But still, I can't shake this terrible fear that I'm going to end up all alone, because I am too weird, because I am too strong-willed, because I am too "Me." Again, all of those scars from middle school are rearing their ugly head. Instead of wondering why I don't "wash my face," I can hear them telling me "stop being so you." To finish, with their intent: 

"Wash your face and you'll be included."

"Stop being so you and you'll find a mate."

The problem with both of those statements is that, just like having acne (which I STILL DO because genetics), is that I can't turn it off. I never have been able to, and I never will be able to. My personalities are as ingrained in me as the damn DNA code that causes my face to break out. (Yes, that is personalities plural.)

The other problem with that statement is that it implies that I have to change and be someone that I am not in order to find happiness. Which I think is a load of shit, to be perfectly honest. I mean, why does everyone else get to be themselves, but I have to change? And why do I have to put up with other people's quirks, but they don't have to put up with mine? 

Screw that. 

I realized as I was writing this blog that the first person who needs to accept me and my quirks is actually me. I have started to pay attention to the way I talk to myself, and let me tell you what - I am downright hateful. Even today, I ran a race and struggled. As I was walking along, coughing my face off, I could hear myself yelling at me, saying that I could do better than this, I could be better than this.

So I responded, "Then do better. You are in the middle of the race. If you want to run, run the damned thing." 

And the voice inside responded, very quietly and very sadly, "I can't. This is the best that I can do right now." 

For the first time, I realized that I have now become my own bully. How everytime I codify something with an excuse ("Oh, I could have run that better, but I'm sick" or "Oh, I could have written that better, but I ran out of time."), I am actually demeaning myself and my accomplishments. I have this vision in my head of the person I think I am, and I rarely live up to my own expectations. And these are not just goals - these are expectations. And when I don't live up to them, I am just plain mean to myself. 

So, starting today I have decided to be nice. If you want to know how the race went today. I did fantastic. I ran 4 miles in 47 minutes.  Up the nasty hill in Rosslyn.

I did great. 

I am great. 

And I'm going to keep telling myself that until I firmly believe that.

No Post on Sundays!

I wrote about 3,000 words today. Getting dumped does wonders for the creative process. ;)

I'm finishing my deep dive re-write and I've come up to chapters 14 and 15 - my favorites of the entire book - and I decided to reach back into the recesses of my computer to find inspiration in my previous drafts.

Which brought me to reading the first version of Razia - dated 6/6/2003. That's right - I've been writing this stupid book since I was a junior in high school. Funny story - the folder this version is in is called "bobo version." I have such love for myself.

Counting everything, I think I have written this book 5 times over the past 11 years. The first set was only 8 chapters long, maybe 10,00 words - the current version is 18, and coming up on 75K.

Although the plot has changed a lot since then - piece that I had in the first book is now a major component of the 3rd book. Razia used to be much more confident and sexual - now sexy is the farthest thing from her repertoire. But the basic ending remains unchanged - although what she gains from it has definitely been redrafted a bunch of times.

The creative process is fun, no?

Which reminds me: I need to get started on my submission and such. I'm not going to make it by the end of this week - Why is that, Uncle Vernon?

That's right. So hopefully by this upcoming Friday, I will have good news that I have successfully mailed off my second go-round of publishing my book.