Loneliness

Disclaimer: I wrote this blog post 3 months ago. The specifics may or may not be totally accurate at this point ref. number of dates and the state of my house. But it's still a good blog post and an important one for me.

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At the end of Double Life, there's a line about Lyssa realizing she's abandoned herself because she hated herself and I remember when I read it in the midst of my quarter life crisis, I sat back and said, "Ow."

The same thing happened when I was editing Alliances.


Specifically, there's a part where Lyssa is angry at my exboyfriend Vel lying to her about having a new girlfriend. And Lizbeth rightly points out that whether he'd told her up front or not, Lyssa would have been angry at him regardless because she's lonely.

And I remember doing one of these:

I do struggle with the idea of being lonely vs. being okay with being alone, and I confess, I still haven't found that balance. There are days when I wake up and miss having someone wrapping their arms around me. Then not even five minutes later, I look around at my disgusting house and breathe a sigh of relief that I don't have to clean to impress a gentleman caller.

I am dating, but it's been a really long time since I've actually gone on a second date. A big part of that reason is the general dumbassery of the general male population in Washington DC. But part of my reticence is that I know how goofy-moronic I get when I'm infatuated with someone. When actually infatuated, I tend to say and do stupid things, and ignore myself and my plans in favor of not losing the object of my adoration.

And when I'm just about to finally do what I want to do-move home to Florida, go on a 32 city book tour, quit my job-I'm terrified that I'm going to get all twitterpated and do something moronic.

Like say, "No, just kidding. I'll stay here with you!"

I know it seems unbelievable that someone as straight-laced as I am would make such a dumbass decision, but I have a frightening history of making decisions like that.

The flip side of this coin is the idea that I would meet someone who would move to Pensacola for me. Someone who would put aside their hopes and dreams just to be with me. I don't know if I would feel guilty about that, or if I just can't fathom that someone would love me that much, but either way, it sits wrong with me to ask that of someone.

I'm in a state of transition at the moment, halfway between Washington and Pensacola, halfway to quitting a job and halfway to starting a new company. It's so hard to have a relationship, but it's even harder to introduce all of this chaos into it.

But you know, at the same time, I would like non-dog to cuddle with.

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