Each week, I'm going to suck it up and write about the things that scare me shitless. And hopefully, through writing, I can come to terms and move past them.
Last week, I wrote about my my fear of being alone forever. And now, the flip side...
Fear #6: I am afraid of rejection
You've probably noticed a theme lately of these 'fear' blog posts and they all have to do with other people. Missing out, sex, being alone, death - all of these really center on my most basic fear of being rejected.
When I say "rejected" what I mean is that I'm afraid people secretly hate me, and don't want to be with me--ever. Which is interesting because I actually enjoy spending time with myself for the most part lazing about on the couch. Life is great when I don't have to wear a bra (see #campaignfornopants).
But when I'm around other people, all of those bad behaviors from before my quarter life crisis return. I love myself, but I'm convinced that there's no way anyone else "gets" me.
The truth of the matter is, it's easier and less stressful to spend my time locked away in my own little hobbit hole than to put myself out there to be rejected. "You know it's going to happen anyway, so save yourself the heartbreak and just don't do it."
And so when someone appears to be halfway interested in me, of course my initial response is, "Don't fuck this up. Don’t be yourself. You'll drive them away."
And because I'm super self-doubting, I become super nervous. And because I'm super nervous, I become super awkward. And because I'm super awkward, I hate my awkward self. And the cycle continues until I am just convinced that the object of my affections is going to leave at any second.
So when they invariably do, the self-hating voices are empowered and then we go again the next time I'm infatuated with someone. So to save myself the heartache, I keep myself locked away.
It's safe here. And yet…as much as I like being alone, I still want a partner.
Relationships--good relationships--are precious commodities. Just because a guy likes me doesn't mean I'm immediately going to jump into his arms. There has to be a spark on my end, and if it's not there, it's not there.
But when it is there and it's two-sided, that's when the fear creeps in. And the worst part - the part that frustrates me the most - is that whether they like the person that I am or not is totally out of my control. Sure, I can put on make-up and wear a low cut shirt and all of that, but sooner or later, they're going to see me in my jammies. Sooner or later, they're going to see how irrational and unpredictable my brain can be. Sooner or later, I'm going to yell at them because I have low blood sugar and I can't seem to stop long enough to get food.
What is the most painful is when I have let someone in, I do trust them, and then they reject the whole person that I am. And that, my friends, is the truth of why it took me so damned long to accept that The Ex and I had broke up.
I felt like I was safe with him, that I could be my naked self (hello fear of intimacy) and I thought he loved the whole of me. And to accept that he didn't was one of the most painfully difficult realizations that I've ever had.
I don't miss my ex and I don't want him back. But at the same time, I do want him to come back so I don't have to face the fact that the one person I could count on to never reject me...rejected me. Even now, two years later, that pain hasn't gotten any less terrible.
And here's the kicker: I haven't had a serious relationship since then, which scares me more than anything else. And I'm afraid that because I'm too afraid of rejection, I won't ever open up. And, as I said last week, I'm afraid because I can't open up, I'm going to be alone forever.
The way to slay this fear is to put myself out there more. To just suck it up and be confident enough in my own skin to be okay when someone doesn't like the true, honest person that I am. And also to remind myself that being single doesn't mean I'm less of a person, less of a human being, less successful. Being in a relationship is not the only way to find true happiness.
Unfortunately, in the depths of my subconscious, I don't believe that. Be it years of conditioning, media messages, or just my own biological need, I desire to be with someone else. Which is why I continue to place the power of my happiness in the hands of others. And why I continue to be terrified that they'll reject me.
~~~
Lauren Dailey is in break-up hell.
Stuck between moving on and letting go, she puts on a brave face while crying herself to sleep at night. But when a mysterious voice promises escape from her sadness, she is suddenly transported to a new world. And in this place, the slightest touch pulls her out of her tortured emotions into the mind of another - an empath.
The villagers - sweet Aerona and her mischievous twins, wise Siors, and hunky Cefin - welcome her and the blessings her empath powers bring. But this world is not without its dangers. The Anghenfil, a fire-breathing monster, has haunted the village for decades, and has a taste for empaths. And that mysterious voice promising escape from sadness? It's sounding more like a whisper tinged with smoke and embers.
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