Each week, I'm going to suck it up and write about the things that scare me shitless. And hopefully, through writing, I can come to terms and move past them. Last week, I wrote about my fear of death. For today's installment...
Fear #5: I am afraid I'll be alone forever
I rarely go out of my house (even for work) these days, mostly because I don't want to (see: Campaign for no pants). And with no best friends around here to force me out, I am a happy as a pig in mud. I assume this will change now that I live in Florida, but I wrote this blog post before the move, so there you go.
When I do leave my house for an unscheduled event, I try to remain completely neutral about the entire event, but some part of me can't help but ask
It's silly, I know, but being a writer, I'm always imagining different "meet cute" scenarios, and waiting for the time when I'm the subject of said meet cute. I hate myself for it, and it probably contributes to why I have no desire to go out in the world and meet new people. I put pressure on myself and I always end up disappointed when Prince Charming doesn't appear.
Seriously, I wish I did not feel this way, but I do.
This fear is a dangerous one because it has made me make decisions that are not in my best interest. The Ex comes to mind, mostly. Not only because I stayed with him for two years longer than I should have, but because I stopped seeing him as a person, and started seeing him as a means to an end.
I wrote about this a while ago with the Cefin the Cliche teaser, but I wanted to focus on this a little bit more, because it's really a horrifying behavior. Seriously, you guys - I thought I was smarter than this.
And because I thought this, I have gone in the completely opposite way. Whereas before the 1/4 life crisis, I was going out with every Tom, Dick, and Harry that called (or inappropriately messaged me on Tinder), now I simply don't communicate with anyone.
In fact, the last two "relationships" (if you can call them that) were with people I already knew. Those two aside, I've spent the last year avoiding all human contact on the off chance that I would make the wrong decision again. I don't trust myself to not be a total moron when it comes to love.
But then, of course, the Anghenfil begins to whisper in the back of my mind, and loneliness sets in. And then I begin to worry that I'm never going to find someone ever - completely aware at the same time that I have self-sabotaged myself into being alone.
It's such a strange feeling to be simultaneously afraid of people and also afraid of being without people. I'm caught in limbo between doing things to sate one that trigger the other as I work to let go of both fears. Next week I'll talk more about my fear of rejection, so come back for that hot pile of crazy.
~~~
Lauren Dailey is in break-up hell.
Stuck between moving on and letting go, she puts on a brave face while crying herself to sleep at night. But when a mysterious voice promises escape from her sadness, she is suddenly transported to a new world. And in this place, the slightest touch pulls her out of her tortured emotions into the mind of another - an empath.
The villagers - sweet Aerona and her mischievous twins, wise Siors, and hunky Cefin - welcome her and the blessings her empath powers bring. But this world is not without its dangers. The Anghenfil, a fire-breathing monster, has haunted the village for decades, and has a taste for empaths. And that mysterious voice promising escape from sadness? It's sounding more like a whisper tinged with smoke and embers.
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