The One Thing

"Every time I see your smile
Every time I hear your laugh
Baby you bring in the sunshine over me
You are the little dream
Ever since I was a child
My fairytale comes true when I look at your face
May not be here forever
But it'll be a long road together
I already know
We're gonna be fine, fine, fine
We're gonna be just fine, fine, fine

You are the one thing that I got right
It's a fickle world, yeah, it's a fickle world
You turn the darkness into sunlight
I'm a lucky girl, yeah, I'm a lucky girl
And if mess up everything someday
I won't hide my head in shame
Cause you're the one thing that I got right​."

- Shakira, "The One Thing"

You thought I was done with these introspective posts, didn't you? Oh well, hopefully life will be all sunshine and rainbows soon enough.

This whole week has been nuts. Not physically - it was actually quite dormant and work and school, and Lord knows I didn't get out to run once this week (which, to be honest, probably contributed to my excess mental craziness). But in my head, it's been a firestorm of activity. 

So much so that I think Suni got lost in the mix. I could hear her in there, screaming at the top of her lungs, trying to take control of the careening car that was my brain this week, and trying to calm Whit the fuck down. But it wasn't happening. I know that normally Whit is the one who tries to reign in Suni, but, happily, Suni steps in when Whit loses her shit.

The storm this week was due in large part to some people that I love very dearly putting a grain of doubt into my well-laid plans. Apparently, "I'm-quitting-my-job-in-a-year" wasn't clear enough (that or they probably don't listen to me), and also included the plan to not finish grad school. After all, if I'm planning a major career change, why should I continue working towards a degree in that field? 

What followed was pretty much a delayed reaction to what "quit" means - "How are you going to support yourself?​" 

And that, my friends, was enough to shake the foundations of my newly found bravery, courage, and zen. Up until that point, I had no doubts that I was going to figure it out as I went - that I am incredibly marketable, I have an amazing network of people I know and can work with. I was just going to "make it work." 

But with that one drop of doubt, my anxiety, which had been so quiet for so long, came back in full force. Oh God, what if I am making a huge mistake. What if I don't sell any books? (Side note: I have 9 confirmed book sales so far!!) What if I find myself in five years completely destitute and broke after this terrible life choice.

What if I move and I don't want to move? What if? What if? What if? What if? 

My mind can be my best friend, and sometimes it can be my complete downfall. I could hear Suni getting exasperated with Whit - "Will you just shut up for five minutes?" But Whit was having none of it. No, she was perfectly content to run around in circles in the brain, undoing all of the work that we had expended at therapy. Which is ironic, considering Whit was nervous about how much money we were spending on that. 

Tonight, though, Suni finally got through to her, I think. We were driving home from a fun time line dancing (Thanks Brittny!) and feeling rather mopey about all of the upcoming unknowns that Whit was worried about. So Suni put on the above song and I belted at the top of my lungs - on repeat - until Whit finally shut up long enough to take a breath and listen. 

We are going to be "Fine, fine fine." Because I am an incredibly talented and resourceful woman - gregarious, vivacious, articulate, and hilarious. I built this life I live from scratch- all by myself- and I can do it again in a place that makes me happy with the people I love. I know I'm a god-damned good writer, so I need to quit being so bashful about it. 

And whatever happens, Suni & Whit can handle it together. 

You've been put on notice, world. If you have any doubts about my life, please keep them to yourself from now on.

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